Saturday, 20 March 2010

Rest in peace...

Uncle Brian

They tell me today
that you have died.
I hate to think of you
alone, scared without anyone to love you.
I don’t think the world can forgive itself
for turning its back on you,
on your condition,
on a part of you.

At last your mind can relax,
the many confusions you had...
You can be yourself now.
Don’t worry about going up there
to heaven,
you will be accepted
for exactly who you are.

I find it hard to shed a tear for you,
as I think of you living alone all this time.
You struggling to find a person to love you,
to love all the different stages of you.
We tried,
We loved you.
I know it was hard when you were here.
At least you are safe now,
safe from the people who taunted you,
safe from the people you thought were trying to hurt you,
and safe from the memories of her.

Thank you for being who you were.
You were given a bad hand
in life that others take for granted.
The odds were against you,
and now you are finished.
We will miss you,
you must not feel alone Bri.
We know that you’re happy now,
to watch over us,
to free your mind at last.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

A piece I wrote a few years ago based on Sarah Kane's 4.48 Psychosis. Not for the faint hearted... In Yer Face Theatre. To be performed.

Rape 1, 2, 3

(Holding a coffee cup in one hand, knife in the other)

I deserved it did I?

(Bringing the cup of coffee down on the table with a crack)

I brought it all on my self?

(Silence and faint sound of sobbing)

My entire fault is it?

(Brings knife up to wrist with a angry cry)

Maybe I should just make your lives a lot easier? True or false? Did he, didn’t he?

(Starts cutting her wrist with the sharp blade)

It was all me, I asked for it. Course that’s what you want me to say isn’t it?


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A coffee cup, a glinting kitchen knife. A reason to live? All the life taken from beneath.
Hurt, pain, embarrassment. Wanting it, they say. Wanting it, asking for it.
A thousand rats squeaking of the news, like being the main character of a TV show. But this isn’t television; this is what we are supposed to call life. The one and only rat utters the truth. The 10,000 others not believing, no truth, all drama. A reason for them to play with peoples lives, trying to prove truth as lies, all lies they say.

A night in with a kitchen knife and a cup of coffee. Such a social enduring situation.
Do you want this frazzled frame of mind?

Begging, trying, and never finding answers.
All knowing my name, splashed across the world.

The rats are her only hope.
Never let her forget.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I am sad

This is it for me

I asked for it?

Apparent and untrue

I am a failure

I asked for it

Of course I did

It was all me

I wanted it

I am guilty, I am being punished

I used to cry, now the tears becoming a boiling broth

Boiling inside me where I used to have a heart

A beating heart

Love? What is love?

I only feel hate

Overwhelmed by what happened

Why me?

And now I am the rapist, raping all of the life out of me

Raping people I know from knowing me

I wish no longer to be known

I feel dirty

I would need to scrub myself clean a million times to get rid of this dirt

Dirt, him…dirty

I hate myself for what he did

It’s all him, he made me feel this hate
That’s it

Can’t cope

All me, me, me

“She’s making it up”

“She’s playing on it”

“She wants attention”

Fuck off you wankers

You try being held up by your hair and having your insides ripped out by a unfamiliar cock

Having every ounce of faith you have in the world ripped from within

Feeling no compassion

Only dirt, guilt

I do not want to die

I do not want to live, reliving this nightmare every day of my life

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I am jealous of the people who will never experience this dirty feeling

When he wakes everyday I feel him waking, I wish to hold a knife to his neck
I wish to kill him, kill him for all the compassion he has robbed from me
I dream of watching with glee as his insides flop out of the hole in his body which I make with my knife, all his organs falling out of this hole I make
I want him to feel how I do, have it all ripped from within
If someone else doesn’t do it, I should, I will

They don’t believe me; he’s still living the life he knows so well without a worry in the world
He shouldn’t be allowed to life, why would god give him the breath of life after all he has done to an innocent soul
Rob said I wanted it, we’re over
He was supposed to be my support, I need him, I need him so bad
I can’t do this without him
I need a cuddle

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


The door swings open and I am faced with a face full of hate, knife in one hand


Cock in one hand, knife in the other


He leads me through MY house, MY fucking house and searches for MY bedroom, MY fucking bed

My face almost touching the wall above my headboard
Knife glinting against my bottom, held just in case I was to resist
My head was somewhere else, my body a carcass
I was dead, mind dead, brain dead
He put his cock in hard, really hard
I screamed
“You like that do you?”
Screaming, crying, head hitting hard against the wall
His hand gripping my arse, one hand with a knife
I hate you
The pain indescribable
Everything from in me was being ripped out
I felt death, I wished I was dead
Me, not him
My whole body felt the hard, banging rhythm of him pushing his way through me
With no entry, no permission
I am a woman, I deserve this
Still screaming, throat hoarse from my forced breaths
I wanted to stop breathing
I wanted to die
It felt like a lifetime of pain, humiliation
He wasn’t going to stop
…I passed out
Pain, fury, loneliness
It ran through my veins

“Come back I’ll fucking kill you”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Giving mindless statements
Having forensic tests
Internal examinations

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Consensual intercourse”
You’re having a fucking laugh?
Oh yes, I really wished for that
Wanted it, of course I did
Fucking bastards!!!!!
Who do they think they are?
My head mashed
Rob doesn’t believe me
Thinks I cheated
Everyone thinks I am the dirty ho

Me? My Fault?

I wish he had killed me
I wish he had cut me
I wish I had some way of proving it

“You don’t believe me?”
Oh fuck off
Fuck it
The law is shit
A bunch of wankers with no common sense of belief
Had to be consensual sex, no bruises, and no cuts
No sign of a struggle
You try having a knife glinting on the side of your bottom
You would try struggle even if it meant he would cut you and carry on?

No case? Ill give you no fucking case
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I have now lost my Rob
My life
My dignity
I am to live in shame
This is now my destiny
You gave this to me…
Who said you were god?
You wait you fucking bastard
You fucking wait
You think you have got away with this you cunt?
You think you can do this to any defenceless woman?
I have another thing coming to you
I have a knife, a big kitchen knife
A knife like the one you threatened to slice my arse off with
It’s going to be driven through your body
I’m going to watch your insides flow out; I am going to kill you
I am going to knife you; I am going to kill you, just like you killed me

My Naughty Secret

You are my naughty secret,
A piece of my identity –
I’m not sure I’d like to share.
So I look at you –
and look to you
So I can be what I have longed to be.
I don’t believe I have ever
Felt so close and so real as I did –
that night.
What I felt that night –
It was raw passion –
And I’m only just realising,
It was me –
And what I really should be.
It’s real – no lies.
this is me –
This is who I want to be.

Number 36

I woke to the sound of my next door neighbours banging around. This was a regular occurrence since Mike and I had moved into the house in Brook Road. They seemed to give me a wakeup call most days – who needs an alarm, hey? We had our lovely neighbours. I really wasn’t ready to emerge from my pit of warmth yet. I pulled the duvet up around my face and pressed my nose into the soft, squidgy layer ignoring the sounds that had woken me. It was like cuddling a giant teddy bear. I loved our bed; since I had bought a duck feather duvet for us it was nice and toasty. You see, the house had open fire places in three of the rooms and when we moved in we realised they weren’t boarded up. This may have been why the noise travelled so much from next door and it probably didn’t help matters that the walls were paper thin.
We had seen a glimpse of our next door neighbours a few times. The man was extremely round, had a bald head and tattoos covering the majority of his body. The tattoos that caught my eye were the many names inked up his forearm. The woman; a small, pretty thing looked ten years his senior but must of only been in her early forties. She had short blonde hair and icy blue eyes. We had popped round before to try and introduce ourselves to the neighbours but they never answered the door. Mike had warned me to stay away and said that they were obviously a bit strange.
I dragged myself out of bed to make some breakfast – a big bowl of crunchy nut cornflakes and a glass of orange juice. I sat and watched some television for a little while but there was really loud banging coming from behind the living room wall. It sounded as though they were trying to get through the blasted thing. The bloody neighbours again. They were such a nightmare. I put my ear closer to the wall to see if I could figure out what all the noise was about. I could hear what sounded like shelves being put up. Sighing, I sat down to watch the television once again.
I settled down on the sofa for some daytime television. It’s not very often I got the house to myself. Don’t get me wrong I love Mike. It has always been Mike – cheesy but true. But we’ve worked so hard at our jobs to get the nice things and the lifestyle we have now. We’ve had to work our arses off for ten years to get this house and I often ask myself; is it all worth it? We have the house now we have dreamed of for years. But, what actually happens when you get there? It’s just sometimes it feels as though we have worked so hard for the house of our dreams that we have forgotten about each other. Another loud bang on the wall snapped me back into reality.
A growl escaped from my throat, “I can’t even get five minutes bloody peace!”
This house was driving me mad. No, these neighbours were driving me mad.
One more sound and I’m going to go round there I thought. Closing my eyes I breathed out trying to relax.
CRASH! My head jerked up as the banging started again.
CRASH! Right, I thought I’ve had enough.
I jumped up, swapped my slippers for my trainers and marched round ready for a war. Did they have no respect for anyone else living in this street? I bashed my fist on the door wincing as my knuckles caught on the rough wooden finish. The paint was peeling off – what was left of it anyway – and scratched messily into the door was ‘36’.
“No answer. Bloody typical. It’s probably because they can’t hear me over that god damn racket!”
A lady past the gate on her travels up the road and glared at me. She must have thought I was the one causing havoc – far from it. I banged on the door again with such force I thought my fist was going to go through. My knuckles split slightly and stung as the blood rose to the surface. I didn’t care; I just wanted to have a day’s peace and quiet – was that too much to ask? I was determined to speak to the neighbours; I banged again even harder than the last time.
Shockingly, to my disbelief the door opened slightly showing the woman’s face I had seen coming in and out of the house before. She didn’t look very happy to see me. The door was only slightly ajar and she looked like she was staring right through me. Before I could even speak I caught a whiff of a strange smell coming from the open door. It was a little bit like overcooked meat. It was a vile smell that burnt my nostrils as it wafted out the crack in the door. My hands moved mechanically up to my face and covered my nose that was now wrinkled up in disgust. The woman looked at me up and down slowly and stared into my eyes quizzically.
“Erm, sorry. It’s just...erm...I’m getting a little bit hacked off with the constant noise at all hours of the day and night.” I started but I couldn’t ignore that ghastly smell.
“What is that bloody smell, it’s horrible?” I couldn’t believe the words that escaped from my mouth. How embarrassing. The lady looked angry at my outburst and narrowed her eyes studying me. She shut the door behind her and stood on the porch level with me.
“I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s any of your business, do you?” She replied looking horrified at my forwardness. She didn’t have a particularly distinctive accent but I could hear she was from up north. The look she gave me made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
“Do I come round your house demanding answers and saying that your cooking smells like shit? No, I don’t so I don’t expect you to come round here giving it the big ‘I am’. Go back to your nice house and your nice boyfriend and mind your own fucking business. Do you hear me?”
“Now, you hang on a minute lady. I have worked bloody hard for my nice house and my nice boyfriend. Do you have any idea what it’s like to work for a living?”
“You don’t know anything about me...” She started.
“No, I don’t and do you know what I don’t want to know anything about you. I’d hoped that me and my nice boyfriend could have become friends with you and your husband but every time I’ve tried knocking on the door you haven’t answered. Right, I’ve tried asking nicely, all I’m asking is that you keep the fucking noise down!”
“Point taken.” She shouted slamming the door in my face.
A couple of days passed and we didn’t hear a sound from next door. I had told Mike what had happened and he had said that I was silly for going round there and provoking the situation. He had insisted that the next time we had a problem with the noise we simply rang the police. I must admit I agreed with him – for once – as when I went round to confront the lady she did scare the shit out of me. There was just something about that horrible smell and the way she had looked at me that made me feel really uneasy, almost nauseas but I couldn’t pinpoint what.
Mike and I had planned a romantic evening in; we had the candles, steak and wine. Mike cooked and as always – it was perfect. It wasn’t very often that we took time out of our busy schedules to spend time and appreciate each other. We raised our glasses to the house. I felt the warmth of his feet covering mine under the table. The red wine felt as though it was running through my veins warming my whole body. The heat rushed to my cheeks. I snuggled up to Mike stroking his neck, my head fuzzy from the wine.
“Love you.” I smiled.
“Love you too babe.”
After relaxing for a little while on the sofa we cleared the table. I was standing in the kitchen pouring my fourth glass of red wine when I felt strong arms slip around my waist. I missed a breath as Mike’s warm hands moved underneath my jumper eager to get to my breasts. As he circled my nipple with his thumb I moved my hand down behind me to his now – very erect – penis and began to massage him on top of his jeans. The warmth of his heavy breathing brushed past my ear and made me feel giddy. Fuelled with red wine I groaned wanting more.
CRASH! You have got to be kidding me. Maybe if I ignore it it will go away.
CRASH! The noise was getting louder.
Mike pushed up hard against me. I felt his penis sticking into the small of my back tempting me further. He started to nibble on my ear which made me weak at the knees. I placed my hands on the worktop and leaned forwards provocatively pushing my bum back onto him.
I tried to ignore it but the noises were so loud I bet the whole street could hear it.
It sounded as if someone had just been thrown against our kitchen wall. My blood seemed to freeze for a second as I realised that the next sound I heard was indeed screaming. Loud, angry screaming.
“Did you hear that sweetie?”
“I’m not really listening to be honest.” Mike replied cheekily pushing against me and kissing my neck eagerly.
“Did you not hear that screaming?”
“Babe, honestly. I thought we were onto something here!” He points at his penis which is starting to become soft with every word.
That’s when we heard it again, an ear shattering scream coming from next door. It sounded like a child’s scream. Mike looked at me, his eyes wide with horror. Dropping his hands by his side he fished in his pocket for his mobile phone. I was still breathing heavily from our antics. I stood, frozen with fear watching what happened next, just like a film.
“Yeh, hello. Bath Police Station, please. It’s an emergency.”
Pausing for a minute he kissed me on the cheek but he looked just as worried as I was.
“Hello. There’s been a disturbance at number 36 Brook Road. We just heard screaming, it sounded like...a child.”
“No, we don’t know their names, but I must admit their always making a lot of racket. Bit weird if you ask me.”
Mike listened to the officer on the other end of the phone agreeing and nodding his head.
“Right, ok. Thank you very much. Please, hurry.”
He put his mobile phone back in his pocket and put his arms around me. I felt warm and safe.
“They’ll be straight round. They sounded just as worried as we are. They seemed very surprised to know that anyone was living in number 36. They’ve apparently gone round for noise complaints before and the same thing has happened to them as it does to us, they never answer the door. They assumed that the house had been taken over by squatters.”
We watched out the window waiting for the police to arrive so we could finally catch a glimpse of what was going on next door. As they arrived we were shocked to see they had their blue lights on and in total about eight police cars had come to check it out. We were now able to uncover the shocking truth as we watched the couple being led out of the house in handcuffs. What we learnt from the police about our next door neighbours made our skin crawl. They said that if we hadn’t of complained they may never have found what they did...the noisy next door neighbours were in fact running a slaughter house for children right under our noses.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

To be performed...

Love floating like a butterfly,
Way above your head so high.
Spreading its wings –
So free.
Full of beauty it moves,
In and out of you.

Scouting through you,
Finding places to lay its eggs,
To keep you.
Feel close to you.
It journeys.
Like a butterfly –
Fanning its wings.

Love floating like a butterfly,
A tranquil song filling the room,
Your favourite song,
Our favourite song.
Our bed, our lips, our lives –
Entwined together.

It moves through me –
With care, Tenderly -
Taking in every piece of me.
Appreciating every lump and bump.
Travelling slowly –
Having time to see everything.

But one day,
Unexpectantly –
The butterfly died,
Along with me.
Leaving me an empty shell,
Of whom I am now allowed to be.
And leaving me with –
a lot of what we used to be.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Me - without the shit

Me - without the shit
“I know I’m not skinny”,
I scream in a usual rage.
Just longing for love,
Comfort, kisses...from food.

Knowing I should go for a jog,
Unable to move from the sofa.
Skinning up another spliff,
I forget what I was thinking about.

Feeling overwhelming unattractive
as your gaze sets on me.
Wishing I was a size ten –
so I could ravage you.

Not understanding –
the obsession with women’s size.
“He’s probably worried about what people will think”
What, because I’m a heffa?

Society deems an impossible image –
for some people,
like me – it’s impossible.
I’d have to run ten miles a day.

Needing motivation to do something –
Go for a jog; eat a ryvita.
I long for love to inspire me –
“Why am I so unattractive?”

Like a small animal –
I hibernate in this house,
Smoking, eating,
waiting for an excuse not to.

“Do you wanna skin up another spliff?”

Thursday, 29 October 2009

For our first performance poetry seminar we were asked to write a piece on identity...

This is the first piece of performance poetry I have ever written so go easy on me ;)

Identity piece

So you look at me...
Please DON’T tell me what you see.
I’ll tell you who I am,
I’m a 21 year old...
Searching at university,
Searching for what I aspire to be,
To have,
Who I want ME to be.

It hasn’t always been like this
And you probably just think I’m just taking the piss
But this is the life I was given
And the place I was driven
To this pad and a pen
Again and again.

I look for love.
This was after you ripped my heart out of my chest –
Stamping on it,
Throwing it away for all to see.
Three years?
It meant nothing to you.
I would walk with my head dragging on the floor,
Because of you.
And all that you used to do,
To me...
I know what you’re
I seem like a strong individual...
Wouldn’t take stick?
Well, I did –
For three whole years of my life.
They were the happiest,
Yet the most abusive three years –
Lucky you,
Coming out on top.

It hasn’t always been like this
And you probably just think I’m just taking the piss
But this is the life I was given
And the place I was driven
To this pad and a pen
Again and again.

My confidence has soared now.
A new year,
A new start.
Like my mother said it would.
But it’s easy for her to preach her wisdom,
When she’s not even here.
His family were my family.
I’ve lost my mother, father and brother.

But I tell you what,
I’m bigger and better without him –
He may have been my other half to the jigsaw puzzle
But I’ve made my own game...
And it’s called my life.