Wednesday, 13 January 2010

A piece I wrote a few years ago based on Sarah Kane's 4.48 Psychosis. Not for the faint hearted... In Yer Face Theatre. To be performed.



Rape 1, 2, 3



(Holding a coffee cup in one hand, knife in the other)

I deserved it did I?

(Bringing the cup of coffee down on the table with a crack)

I brought it all on my self?

(Silence and faint sound of sobbing)

My entire fault is it?

(Brings knife up to wrist with a angry cry)

Maybe I should just make your lives a lot easier? True or false? Did he, didn’t he?

(Starts cutting her wrist with the sharp blade)

It was all me, I asked for it. Course that’s what you want me to say isn’t it?

(Sobbing)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A coffee cup, a glinting kitchen knife. A reason to live? All the life taken from beneath.
Hurt, pain, embarrassment. Wanting it, they say. Wanting it, asking for it.
A thousand rats squeaking of the news, like being the main character of a TV show. But this isn’t television; this is what we are supposed to call life. The one and only rat utters the truth. The 10,000 others not believing, no truth, all drama. A reason for them to play with peoples lives, trying to prove truth as lies, all lies they say.

A night in with a kitchen knife and a cup of coffee. Such a social enduring situation.
Do you want this frazzled frame of mind?

Begging, trying, and never finding answers.
All knowing my name, splashed across the world.

The rats are her only hope.
Never let her forget.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



I am sad

This is it for me

I asked for it?

Apparent and untrue

I am a failure

I asked for it

Of course I did

It was all me

I wanted it

I am guilty, I am being punished

I used to cry, now the tears becoming a boiling broth

Boiling inside me where I used to have a heart

A beating heart

Love? What is love?

I only feel hate

Overwhelmed by what happened

Why me?

And now I am the rapist, raping all of the life out of me

Raping people I know from knowing me

I wish no longer to be known

I feel dirty

I would need to scrub myself clean a million times to get rid of this dirt

Dirt, him…dirty

I hate myself for what he did

It’s all him, he made me feel this hate
That’s it

Can’t cope

All me, me, me

“She’s making it up”

“She’s playing on it”

“She wants attention”

Fuck off you wankers

You try being held up by your hair and having your insides ripped out by a unfamiliar cock

Having every ounce of faith you have in the world ripped from within

Feeling no compassion

Only dirt, guilt

I do not want to die

I do not want to live, reliving this nightmare every day of my life


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I am jealous of the people who will never experience this dirty feeling

When he wakes everyday I feel him waking, I wish to hold a knife to his neck
I wish to kill him, kill him for all the compassion he has robbed from me
I dream of watching with glee as his insides flop out of the hole in his body which I make with my knife, all his organs falling out of this hole I make
I want him to feel how I do, have it all ripped from within
If someone else doesn’t do it, I should, I will

They don’t believe me; he’s still living the life he knows so well without a worry in the world
He shouldn’t be allowed to life, why would god give him the breath of life after all he has done to an innocent soul
Rob said I wanted it, we’re over
He was supposed to be my support, I need him, I need him so bad
I can’t do this without him
I need a cuddle

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


1

The door swings open and I am faced with a face full of hate, knife in one hand

2

Cock in one hand, knife in the other

3

He leads me through MY house, MY fucking house and searches for MY bedroom, MY fucking bed

My face almost touching the wall above my headboard
Knife glinting against my bottom, held just in case I was to resist
My head was somewhere else, my body a carcass
I was dead, mind dead, brain dead
He put his cock in hard, really hard
I screamed
“You like that do you?”
Screaming, crying, head hitting hard against the wall
His hand gripping my arse, one hand with a knife
Screaming
I hate you
The pain indescribable
Everything from in me was being ripped out
I felt death, I wished I was dead
Me, not him
My whole body felt the hard, banging rhythm of him pushing his way through me
With no entry, no permission
I am a woman, I deserve this
Still screaming, throat hoarse from my forced breaths
I wanted to stop breathing
I wanted to die
It felt like a lifetime of pain, humiliation
He wasn’t going to stop
…I passed out
Pain, fury, loneliness
It ran through my veins

“Come back I’ll fucking kill you”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Giving mindless statements
Having forensic tests
Internal examinations
Humiliation


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Consensual intercourse”
You’re having a fucking laugh?
Oh yes, I really wished for that
Wanted it, of course I did
Fucking bastards!!!!!
Who do they think they are?
My head mashed
Rob doesn’t believe me
Thinks I cheated
Everyone thinks I am the dirty ho

Me? My Fault?

I wish he had killed me
I wish he had cut me
I wish I had some way of proving it

“You don’t believe me?”
Oh fuck off
Fuck it
The law is shit
A bunch of wankers with no common sense of belief
Had to be consensual sex, no bruises, and no cuts
No sign of a struggle
You try having a knife glinting on the side of your bottom
You would try struggle even if it meant he would cut you and carry on?

No case? Ill give you no fucking case
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I have now lost my Rob
My life
My dignity
I am to live in shame
This is now my destiny
You gave this to me…
Who said you were god?
You wait you fucking bastard
You fucking wait
You think you have got away with this you cunt?
You think you can do this to any defenceless woman?
I have another thing coming to you
I have a knife, a big kitchen knife
A knife like the one you threatened to slice my arse off with
It’s going to be driven through your body
I’m going to watch your insides flow out; I am going to kill you
I am going to knife you; I am going to kill you, just like you killed me

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